Volume Twenty: 20-Something = 20-Stupid

So, I’m having a conversation with Michelle the other morning. During the convo, I mentioned a humorous tweet (yes, I’m on Twitter – @sillethoughts) I saw about MTV’s uber-popular ”reality” show, Jersey Shore. Paraphrasing the tweet, it suggested that Italian-Americans should now be able to empathize with African-Americans, because that’s how we look on BET. They, the brilliant producers at MTV and their clever editing, created caricatures of how Italian-Americans are. Honestly, I did believe that’s how they were – especially in Jersey. Yes me, the champion of anti-discrimination, anti-stereotyping, and anti-prejudices had committed the ultimate sin of lumping Italian-Americans into an all-inclusive category. Nevertheless, my ah-ha moment came from Michelle (@thesweetglaze on Twitter). She suggested that the antics on that show was no more an Italian-American issue than the buffoonery on College Hill was an African-American issue. She suggested it was a 20’s issue. That, when you put 20-something-year-olds in a fat @$$ house and turn on the cameras; idiotic behavior is the predictable outcome.

Nowwwww I Get It…

We all have flashback moments from time to time. I had one at that moment. During my flashback, I even projected myself into the same situation when I was 22…..23…..24 (excuse me, I just threw up in my mouth). Conclusion: I would have behaved in a manner very similar to those people on Jersey Shore, or College Hill, or The Real World, or whatever “reality” show you think of where they put 20-somethings in a house, give them money, alcohol, and an unlimited Get-Out-of-Jail-Free card. In short, I would have been a caricature of myself too; for, despite my best efforts, when I was 20-something, I was 20-stupid.

Don’t get me wrong, even when I was in my 20’s and watching programs like those, I used to stand on my soapbox of morality and berate the participants for their frightening frivolity. However, upon closer inspection, how different was my life during that time than what is depicted on the shows? I’ll ask the question to you. How different was your life during that time? Please remember that some (or most) of you I have known for some time, so please don’t start lying to me or yourself. If you need some help, here’s a quick checklist of some of the disturbing aspects of those shows versus our lives – specifically my life - at the same time.

1) Indiscriminate overconsumption of alcohol - Ummm, YES! Me and my boys had a group called Da Liks (urban vernacular for The Alcoholics). Then, a few of  Da Liks connected with some women to form BIGAA (which stood for Big @$$ Alcoholics). BIGAA had one criteria for membership: You had to drink ten (10!) drinks your first night out with us. We would have T&D (toothpaste and draws, aka underwear) parties because we knew that we would all end up passing out at the house where the party was that night.  It was incredibly fun at the time. Incredibly fun, and incredibly stupid.  During that time drinking was an activity. Any random night of the week I could have this convo: Caller, “What you doing tonight, man?” Me, “Drinking.” Caller, “I’m on my way.” I think I made my point.

2) Indiscriminate sexual promiscuity – I’m just gonna plead the fifth on this one. Let’s just suffice it to say that my behaviors could have allegedly been classified as something vaguely resembling indiscriminate sexual promiscuity. Just take the time to reflect on your behaviors. This is not about me! LOL! Again, I choose to plead the fifth on this one.

3) Exaggeration of cultural stereotypes – This is a difficult one to assess – especially when you’re asked to assess yourself. However, objective self-reflection will show that we were trying to live our lives as if we were in a bad Black movie or rap video. When we would venture out, we would project images of being “hard” or “smooth” or “players” or “hustlers”, when we were really smart kids from various suburbs around the country working hard to break the very stereotypes we were portraying. Oxymoronic? Yes, but very true. Very few 20-somethings really know who they are or are secure enough to be genuine. We try on varying personas until some of us mature to the point that we decide we’re comfortable with who we are and decide to be that.

4) Violent overreactions to perceived “disrespect” - Between the weekly “altercations” at frat meetings, the never-ending tension with the Kappas, or random intramural conflicts; I’m surprised I didn’t fight more than I did in my 20’s. I was conflict avoidant (most days) and found myself in fights more than I wanted to. Each fight was sparked by someone overreacting to an insignificant slight, and no one being mature enough to apologize or back down. As in the shows, alcohol may or may not be involved; however, stupidity was ALWAYS present. Parenthetically, I do love watching the fights. We all seem to get some voyeuristic pleasure by watching people fight. I don’t know why that is, but ratings go up when the fights go down.

Conclusion

So what have we learned? We have learned to not look down our noses perched from our high horses of judgement; for we have indulged in behaviors similar to those on the shows. Now, are the “reality stars” more histrionic than the typical 20-somethings? Maybe. Who’s to say? Any actor will tell you that when you’re on a stage, you have to exaggerate your movements to be identified. This could just be the same thing. Telling them they are special by being selected for the show (and being treated as VIP’s during and after) may cause them to “up the ante” to prove they were worthy of such distinction. Even at 30-something today, if you drop me in L.A., New Orléans, Vegas, or South Beach with a little change in my pocket, I may revert back to some of my more sophomoric antics. With that being said, I realized that I’m not that much different from the people on those shows. To get to my 30’s, I had to go through the emotional volatility of my 20’s. And while, 20-something may equal 20-stupid; it damn sure was 20-fun.

That’s just my three cents….

sill-E

“Peep my ver-na-cular cuz I don’t know how to act…”

Volume Nineteen: Homo-foe-bia

And heeeeerrrrreeee we go…I’m back good people and quicker than ever before. I promised/resolved/told you that I would be posting more often in 2010; and, to this point, I’ve been a man of my word. As you can tell by the title of this post, I’m back to my “controversial” ways (shout to Valencia). While I don’t think that I’m “controversial”, I do think that I take everyday topics and provide a unique take – hopefully, to inspire thought. I believe we all need to find different ways to look at debatable topics. I posted on my FaceBook status a couple of weeks ago,“A mind is like a parachute. They both don’t work if they’re not open.” Open minds allow us to continue to grow and thrive. Closed minds are the starting points for separation, arguments, and sometimes violence. Today’s topic has done all those things and more. My hope is that you find something to open your mind with this latest post….Homo-foe-bia.

Homophobia Defined

Dictionary.com defines homophobia as unreasoning fear of or antipathy toward homosexuals and homosexuality. The key word that jumps out to me is unreasoning. History will show that any period in which a country or group of people have unreasoning principles or fear of another group or culture, conflict emerges and rights are violated. Think about the Holocaust or slavery in America. Both dominating groups in those instances had an unreasoning fear of the dominated groups. This fear drove policy, practice and, in both instances, created misguided prejudices, stereotypes, and discrimination for surviving generations. Unreasoning fear has no place in any society.

Why Homophobic?

The short answer is I don’t know. Maybe that’s why the definition includes unreasoning fear because it can’t be reasonably explained. As a heterosexual man, I can say that I don’t understand being attracted sexually to another man. At the same time, do I have to disrespect, discriminate, or fear someone because they do? Is homosexuality a disease I may catch if I associate with someone who is gay? I know these are rhetorical questions but, apparently there are some misguided people whose fear is based on naïve and unfounded beliefs. Do we all have to be alike to be accepted? Rhetorical again, but necessary for thought.

African-American Male Homo-foe-bia

The preceding sections spoke to homophobia in general. However, when it’s thought about from an African-American male perspective, it grows in intensity. Why? Well, historically in this country African-Americans have been marginalized socially. In part to some of that unreasonable fear mentioned earlier. As a result of centuries of marginalization, discrimination, and outright violence, we have developed a bit of an unconscious inferiority complex. Consequently, instead of identifying with other marginalized groups, like homosexuals, we have used their plight as a platform for attempting to elevate ourselves. In short, it’s the crabs-in-a-barrel syndrome applied to group dynamics.

African-American men have taken it one step further. We have embraced the stereotypes of hypersexuality and virility because it feeds our ego. I mean, who wouldn’t want to be perceived as being good in bed before you even have to prove yourself otherwise? But, I’m digressing…. Homosexual Black men are the antithesis of that stereotype. They are not “studs” that can pleasure any woman in a Mandingo-like fashion. Noooooo. Gay Black men erode the sexual bravado that is incumbent in most heterosexual Black men. Therefore, they have again become our adversaries – if for no other reason than their sexual orientation. Homo-foe-bia at it’s worse.

Conclusion

I live in Atlanta. Our fair city had the distinction of being named as The Gayest City in America by The Advocate, the country’s oldest gay periodical. That “title” set off a firestorm of discussions. Sports radio, water coolers, FaceBook, Twitter, etc. were all exploding with quasi-homophobic rhetoric and jokes. My primary thought was, “Why all the fuss?” Is it a detriment to live in a city that is accepting of all people? That we’re okay with knowing we have a large homosexual population and don’t give a ufck? Personally, it was a small blip on my radar. The only reason I was prompted to write this post was how everyone else responded to it. I grew up in a homophobic home and heard all the jokes from my uncles growing up. Then, I realized one thing. I realized I had a mind of my own to make my own decisions. I realized that hating or belittling someone for something that was out of their control was repeating the cycle of bigotry that African-Americans suffered from for centuries.

I also realized that I had no energy or patience for unproductive discrimination. Do you?

That’s just my three cents…

sill-E

Peep my ver-na-cular cuz I don’t know how to act… 

Volume Eighteen: A Day in the Life of Sheep

Prologue: I had to go to traffic court today. As I was sitting in the overcrowded courtroom, I had an inspiration. The post below is the result. I hope you enjoy it.

If fear had a smell, this was it. Well, fear mixed with cigarette smoke, coffee, and poor grooming habits. This room is eternal evidence of the existence of an American Class System. The place where the undereducated and underemployed pay for their lot in life while at the same time supporting the system that keeps us “safe”. Yet, for some reason, I don’t feel safe. I feel herded and pinned like sheep being led to slaughter; and my “handlers” seem visibly annoyed by my unwillingness to accept my predetermined fate. This sheep will not be sheared and dissected for governmental consumption. This sheep had found the loophole in the oxymoronic nature of this democratic dictatorship. This sheep, had hired an attorney…

Back to the room of our impending doom. I’m watching my sheep brethren repeatedly throw themselves into harm’s way. I watch as their fragilely crafted confidence erodes like a shoreline awaiting a hurricane. Their faces display a mixed myriad of emotion: defiance, regret, apathy, disgust, condemnation, fear. Fear was prevalent in all present. This is the fear that all citizens have, for it is how the law manages to maintain order control. That is the fear of losing the inalienable right of being able to decide your own destiny.

This stockpile of sheep has forgotten that we chose our destiny long before we entered Courtroom 2A on an unseasonably warm January morning. We chose our fate when we chose to speed, run that light or sign, change lanes illegally, ignore the school zone, or even have a few beers before driving. We deny our determined destiny immediately when we see the sobering sign of being caught in our traffic transgressions. Denial of destiny is almost immediately followed by the flooding of fear.

My dilemma: Do I mingle with the mindless and swap stories of persecution? There is not one guilty person in this room (including me) yet, why am I here? Why am I sitting on the tip of a trial, or the precipice of a plea? Why do I feel as if I’m the only one in the room that’s actually NOT guilty? And, why do I understand that eventually, inevitably, I’m going to pay? Somebody, some entity, somewhere is going to get my hard-earned (and scarce) dollars. Be it my attorney, of whom I’m grateful; or the state, of whom I am hateful.

Finally, I ask, is that the ultimate goal? Are the fines generated by the prosecutorial pimps behind gowns and gavels the true goal of the “justice system”? I know I am not a person in this slaughterhouse. I am a case number. I am defined by my charge and my penalties and my willingness to comply quickly. This sheep has found the way to remove himself from the judicial Matrix (starring me, as Neo).  Removing myself from the herd may, ultimately, cost me more. Or it might just save my skin.

That’s just my three cents….

sill-E

“Peep my ver-na-cular cuz I don’t know how to act…”

Volume Seventeen: Renaissance Found

You know, I was running through my iPod the other day before I was going for my workout. It’s a normal routine of mine as I try to find the musical soundtrack for my physical exertions. As I skimmed through my carefully crafted playlists – Old School R&B, Hip-Hop, Rap, Gospel, Pop, and Rock, I saw all musical genres represented, with one notable exception: – Jazz. Where was the jazz? Any signs of jazz music on my iPod were noticeably absent. Why isn’t jazz part of my musical library? Why do I feel I have to “understand” jazz as compared to other musical genres?

The dearth of jazz on my iPod said more than anything I could say out of my mouth. It said that I was pretending. How could I claim to be a lover of music and not include music that required the highest of skill and the deepest of soul? It told me I was willing to hide this fact from the world, but I couldn’t hide it from myself. My iPod was speaking to me loud and clear. The truth was staring me in my face. I have over 2000 songs in my modest music library: Over 2000, and not one of them jazz.

Our culture is constantly “changing” or evolving. We shed our trends and fads with snake-like efficiency. Have we shed jazz? Jazz is the only truly American-invented art form. I can tell you Michael Jackson is the King of Pop, Elvis was just the King, and the subtle differences between Rap music and Hip-Hop. I can tell you that there were three Pointer Sisters and four in Sister Sledge. Hell, I even know what the letters in the Gap Band’s name stand for and the title song for Soul Train.  And yet, over 2000 songs and not one of them jazz.

So, why the diatribe about jazz? I went to South Carolina this past Thanksgiving. My cousin, a jazz saxophonist, composer, and teacher in Philadelphia invited me to see him play. I. Was. Mesmerized. I found a connection to the music that I never thought I had before. The rhythm, the beat, the syncopation, and the love surrounded me in a cocoon of sound that I’d never heard in any club before. I saw my cousin, with whom I had just been chatting, lose himself and become one with his instrument. I swear I saw the notes flowing from his sax and hover around him in reverence of his ability to give them life.

I left that club in downtown Columbia, SC completely changed. Jazz changed me much like the birth of my children. I realized the power of that experience and wanted others to have it as well. The word wade has been defined as “to begin energetically”, or “to attack strongly”. Ironically that’s my cousin’s name, Wade, and that’s how he approaches his music. His energy is as infectious as the sound of his music. My words are insufficient in describing who he is as man and musician. I’m hoping the link below will do more to describe Wade Dean and his Enspiration. I found inspiration by watching him. Hopefully, you can too…

Ellis Dean

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1G0zBWEAZCI

Documentary by Brittany Owens for Film Forum: Documentary http://www.myspace.com/wadedeanenspiration

Volume Sixteen: Achieving Greatness

I’m back good people. I know I promised a blog every other week, but it’s the holiday season so I should get a pass, right? Anyway, I was really struggling (more than normal) to write another posting. I was struggling to find the magic that made so many readers log on to read Volume Thirteen. In essence, I began to let my desire to have more readers drive my postings. The tail began to wag the dog, and that is never good. Nevertheless, I realized my error and decided to reach out to my readers for my latest topic. One of my frat brothers (shout out to Kendrick Willams) sent me an interesting suggestion; and, one that I think that we need to talk/think about as we continue to age – ummmmmm, mature. So, there’s the background info as we learn how to, and strive to, Achieve Greatness.

Concentration (or lack thereof):

Those things that we attend to, and put our energy towards (even negative things) are the realities that tend to manifest themselves. It has been called many things, e.g. self-fulfilling prophecy, karma, even destiny; but, at the end of the day, it is those things that we attend to are those things that grow – even negative things. Take a quick personal inventory. Think about periods in your life that have been marked by either great happiness or great disappointment. Where were you focusing your mental energies? In the productive times, you may have found it hard to sit and become complacent. Conversely, during the disappointing times, you may have found it hard to motivate yourself to try and change your condition. Consequently, things may have gotten worse.

Bottom line is that we have to utilize that power within us provided by the Creator to concentrate on the positive. Our concentration (or lack thereof) can help or hinder us from achieving the greatness that we all seek. We let daily distractions derail us from our personal and professional goals. In our personal lives, those distractions may come in the form of another person outside of our current relationship. Professionally, those distractions may be unhealthy relationships with coworkers or your boss. In each case, distractions serve as vehicals transforming our mental energy from positive to negative.

Cancellation

How many times have we let others block us from getting to where we want or need to be? We may do this by listening to the nay-sayers as we contemplate a career move. Or, we may do it by letting the negativity of coworkers creep into our work habits. Whatever the impetus, we cannot let other people cancel the blessings we have ordained for us. Cancellation is the way we allow things or other people to rob us of our power. That power is our ability channel the mental energy discussed in the first section. By maintaining the power we have over our thoughts and mental energy, we block the cancellation effects of others.

For example, you get up for work one day, get a ticket driving in, receive a flattering/suggestive comment from an attractive coworker, get into it with a teammate for not having his portion of your presentation done, and have a first-thing meeting you forgot about for which you are now late. Each one of these events and/or people serves as an agent of cancellation; and, as a result, you are further away from achieving greatness. Every experience is a choice. And, while we have little control over the experience itself, we have total control of our response to it. We alone have the ability to negate the cancellation effects of other people and/or events. If we choose to give those things power over us, we lose that same amount of control over our abilities to overcome them.

It’s simple math. By cancelling the cancellation we create a double negative; and, as in mathematics, multiplying two negatives always results in a positive. The positive we create is an increased sense of control and power over our lives. I’m sure that’s a power we’d all enjoy having more of.

Continuance

Have you ever been almost there, just about to reach your goal(s); and then, “something happens”? What blocked you? Do you feel like sometimes you’re in a maze and keep hitting the dead ends? It seems like it’s more work to almost get there than to not even get close at all. When you find yourself running into a maze of dead-ends, you’re having a problem with continuance. Take the time for some careful self-reflection. What’s stopping you from achieving the greatness you claim you want and you say God has ordained for you? More often than not we, ourselves, are the biggest road block to our personal success.

I know in my own failures (yes, I’ve had them), I had to acknowledge that the largest hurdle I had to jump was my own fear of success. Yes, we all fear success to some extent. I know you’re either shaking your head or saying, “No I’m not”; but, believe me, you are. Now, that doesn’t mean we don’t overcome that fear and achieve the success we desire. In fact, we become successful because of a larger fear: The Fear of Failure. Great people fear failure more than success. Overcoming our fear of success and ultimately experiencing it, places us in the mindset of achieving greatness.

There you have it. My looooong awaited post. I hope it was worth it. And I hope you found some inspirational nugget towards finding your path to Achieving Greatness!

That’s just my three cents…

sill-E

“Peep my ver-na-cular cuz I don’t know to act…”

Volume Fifteen: Flirtation and the Fallacy of Recognition

Hellllloooo good people! Yes, it’s been a while since I last posted. I’m gonna give you a moment to get over it…….We cool? Great. So, here we are on the precipice of a new year, a new decade, and I felt compelled to go back into the crates and dig up an old lesson of mine. If I told you when I wrote this piece originally, you would either call me a liar, or a waste of talent. Let’s just say, I wrote this BEFORE the proliferation of blogs to get your musings out there. I started writing a book on relationships (called Never Stop Learning – dunno if I still like that) directed at men for them to get their heads out of their @$$ and learn how to properly approach and date a woman. So, what I have decided to do is to release edited excerpts of my writings for your consumption. Eventually, I may compile it with some of my recent posts and publish the book; but, that is a work for a later period. Until then, sit back, relax, open your mind, enjoy – and remember, Never Stop Learning!

Introduction/Forward

My purpose for writing this book can be summed up in one word: exhaustion. I am totally exhausted of watching and hearing unbelievable tales of how my brothers are making fools of themselves. And, while I made excuses for their actions – calling it persistence, or game, or  (God forbid) love – they continued to make fools of themselves. So, as I have continued to hear and see more extraordinary cases of persistence, game, and/or love, I came to the startling realization that the cause of the many failures and/or ridicule of many men is due, in a large part, to a lack of knowledge about the subtleties of the opposite sex.

This ignorance about women has come from a variety of factors – the most contributing factor being a lack of simple common sense. Note: From this point forward, I will refer to common sense as good sense, because if it were common, I would not have felt compelled to write this book. Good sense is the sense that controls our day-to-day activities. It keeps us out of trouble. And, it teaches us how to evaluate life situations. Therefore, it should be that same good sense that helps us in the affairs of the heart or groin.

Flirtation and the Fallacy of Recognition

In writing a book about dating, one would not think I would have to begin with flirtation or how to recognize flirtation; but, believe me, I do. Far too often, the demise of a potential relationship starts with the misinterpretation of flirtation. This “fallacy of recognition”, as I call it, happens because of two reasons:

1) The receiver/male misreads the subtle, passive flirtation as an invitation/opportunity to advance (Part One), or

2) The receiver/male doesn’t receive the flirtation being sent by the female, and a potential relationship is never realized (Part Two).

The main problem many men have with flirtation is realizing that not all flirtation is an invitation to advance. Understanding women tells us that, a number of times, they may flirt with you only to make themselves feel better. They will dress up, go out, and flirt with men all night having the sole purpose of making themselves feel more desirable to the opposite sex – namely you. They will do this without intentions of giving their number out, meeting anyone, or remorse for the person or persons they affect. For them, subtle/passive flirtation is a game played with their friends, or something to pass the time. Why they do this is still a mystery to men so we must focus on how to quickly identify and react to this type of flirtation. Look at it like this: Just as the dimensions of a basketball goal will not change, neither will women. So, just as you would adjust your shot if you keep missing, you must adjust your recognition.

Flirtation, at its simplest level, is basic communication. A message is sent, and a message is received. The problem comes in when the wrong message is received.  Part one of the fallacy of recognition – misinterpretation of flirtation as an opportunity to advance – has thousands of possible scenarios to be scrutinized. Time and space will not allow us to explore each possibility, however. So, in order to correct this part of the fallacy, here are a few helpful hints to keep in mind while you’re out “playing the field.”

1) Never over-estimate your power of attraction.

2) Always ask yourself why someone is flirting with you.

3) Analyze each situation separately and carefully.

4) Develop methods that will help you determine the genuineness of flirtation.

5) Be very careful. Remember, it’s better to be slow at receiving than wrong.

There you have it. Part two will be following shortly, but take the time to digest part one. Understand that every relationship has a beginning. My unfinished book and this post is designed to assist in the starting of healthy relationships. Ladies, if a man was better at flirting, wouldn’t that make you feel better about starting a relationship with him? Fellas, if you were better at recognizing how women flirt, wouldn’t that make your life easier? I mean, unless you like getting shot down and ridiculed? Ladies, I will write a follow-up for you. I have some words for you regarding some of the aforementioned statements. Don’t think you’re off the hook. However, until then…

That’s just my three cents….

sill-E

“Peep my ver-na-cular cuz I don’t know how to act…”

Volume Fourteen: The Myth of Monogamy

I had this discussion regarding monogamy recently with some friends and it really got me to thinking. If you know my friends (as some of you are them) then you know the discussion was well thought out and extremely intellectual. I mean, there were the biblical references, references to animal vs. human nature, the assortment of moral dilemmas, etc. that were all designed to sway the argument in the general direction of whomever had the floor at that moment. I, of course, added my three cents but tended to listen more than I contributed (see Volume 7: The Lost Art of Listening). On debates such as this one where there is no clear cut or definitive answer, I love to watch people try and establish one. When, in fact, true monogamy is only defined individually and supported by our social network – but, I’m getting ahead of myself. Either way, it led me to my latest post: The Myth of Monogamy.

Myth One: Monogamy is Supported Biblically

I know I just angered my more religious readers; and for that, I apologize. I do not mean to besmirch the bible or any of its tenets. That is not my point. My point is that throughout the bible there are verses and stories that can be used to support any belief that you ascribe or subscribe to. I mean, wasn’t the bible used to support slavery? I believe in God, and support many of the teachings and lessons of the bible. At the same time, let’s be careful when we a) look for specific verses and/or passages to support our belief system – despite how “good” or “moral” they are (See the aforementioned slavery question. Some believed they were actually helping the Africans by enslaving them); and, b) let’s understand that the bible has had some verses, passages, and stories lost in translation or outright omitted over the centuries due to the political agenda of the translator, e.g. King James. Therefore, can we still use the bible as our moral compass? Absolutely. The bible is a great book for anyone to read – whether you’re religious or not. Nevertheless, where it is extremely clear on some subjects, like murder; it is equally as vague on others, like monogamy.

Myth Two: Monogamy is Human Nature

As Forest Gump would say, “I’m not a very smart may-yan,” but I know enough to make me dangerous. As far as I know, humans and penguins are the only species that take a mate for life. I would beg to argue that humans don’t truly take a mate for life as we typically aren’t virgins at the time of marriage and, with divorce and infidelity rates at all time highs, it’s laughable to say that we take “mates for life”. Therefore, it can be argued with some certainty that monogamy is decided more by choice than by nature. In fact, a marriage is more of a legal agreement/partnership than ordained by nature. And, when you throw in the fact that infidelity is viewed as the breaking of vows more than a violation of nature, my reasoning has more credibility.

If monogamy is a myth, then does my relationship stand a chance?

Short answer: Absolutely! What we have to do is stop looking for external support for our choice of monogamy and start with the two people in the relationship. You and your mate should have an open and honest discussion regarding fidelity, and not just assume that it’s a given. As stated in the opening, monogamy is/should be  defined individually and supported socially. For example, I watched an MTV True Life program regarding bi-sexual people. They would tell any potential mate of their orientation and let them make the decision of being with them or not. They defined monogamy as being with one man AND one woman at a time, and their social networks supported their lifestyle. If that is the accepted world they live in, who’s to say that they are wrong?

Society sends mixed messages to men and women regarding fidelity. For men, it suggests that fidelity is a disease that should be avoided until the very end. Having multiple partners and being considered a “player” or “ladies man” puts you in a place of reverence among your peers. For women, fidelity is the norm. I’m not saying that women cannot be, and are not unfaithful. That’s far from the truth. However, female infidelity is not supported locally or globally on the social scale. Women that have many partners are considered “hoes”, “sluts”, “tramps”, or whatever derogatory moniker you can place on them. It’s the goose vs. gander argument; but, in our monogamy discussion, suggests again that society is a poor barometer to judge the monogamy question.

Conclusion

So, what did we decide? Nothing, really. I suggested that monogamy is a decision that should be defined and decided upon individually – absent from external factors. Once you are confident as to how you define monogamy, then you can set about finding a mate with a similar definition. This becomes your own relationship universe with your friends acting as constellations either supporting or disrupting the order you have created. My mother used to say, “water seeks its own level.” I used to wonder what that meant. I guess it means that people surround themselves with other people that have similar, or support their belief system. Criminals hang with criminals, religious folks with religious folk, etc. Depending upon the belief system you establish, the water around you could be as small as a drop or as vast as an ocean. My question is: How wet do you need to be?

That’s just my three cents…

sill-E

Peep my ver-na-cular cuz I don’t know how to act…

Volume Thirteen (Part 3 of 3): Why Am I Still Single? – Solutions

Alright readers, I’ve let it sink in long enough. It’s time to wrap up the Why Am I Still Single? series of blogs. To recap, I surmised five (5) major reasons that men and women are still single. Each of the five reasons were gender specific; however, they are not as different as some of you might think. But, what do we do with the knowledge of our deficiencies? It’s easy to tell someone what is wrong, but far more difficult to tell them how to correct it. (In my former life as a counselor, I had first-hand experience of that truth.) The best corrective action is to create a program that the person (or reader) can apply easily in their life. Much like an exercise program, dramatic changes only work for the short-term. In order to enact true, lifelong change, you must incorporate activities that have results, but are also sustainable over time. That’s why I’ve chosen only one (that’s right, one) solution for each gender to incorporate into their life. One solution that, on the surface, may sound simple; but, will have a profound effect on the type and quality of your future relationships.

Solution: Men

Talk: This may seem counter-intuitive for some men. In fact, I feel a little weird writing it because the advice I would give a man who is trying to sleep with someone is exactly the opposite. Relationships are a different animal altogether. Relationships require understanding. And true understanding requires communication. Women have long been viewed as the communicators in relationships. Men are the doers. Yet, when a relationship ends, the reason always seems to be because you “stopped communicating.” Well, my question is, were you communicating in the beginning, or were you just riding the euphoric state that comes with a new relationship? Were you letting your partner know your likes, dislikes, hopes, dreams, fears, aspirations, faults, etc.? Bottom line: Were you letting her know the real you? The you stripped down of the ego and bravado that we create to be “hard” or to protect our inner child.

There’s a word in the English language that is commonly mispronounced. I know because I have to concentrate to say it myself. It is a word that we, as men, are secretly afraid of, but have to achieve in order to have a lasting and meaningful relationship. That word is vulnerable. We have to open ourselves up and show the very emotions that we work so hard to hide. Dictionary.com defines vulnerable as “capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt.” It is in those places that we achieve true emotional connection. That we let our partner know who we are without pretext. Ironically, men tend to find this place in areas other than their relationships. Namely, sports. Successful sports teams achieve because they have reached a level of vulnerability with one another that makes them want to play harder for one another. They know that it is up to them to protect the unity of the team. The same principle applies to a relationship. The more you two share with one another - specifically, the more vulnerable you are to one another, the more you are going to work to preserve the union. Result? Meaningful committment.

Solution: Women

Listen: Yes, I said it. As a man, I can directly speak to this topic. I’ve had numerous conversations with single women, and the common theme is that the man talks his way out of sex. On a certain level, and in certain situations, I would agree 100% with that assertion. However, sexual encounters aside, I would ask what type of relationship are you trying to have if you don’t learn anything about your partner? Do you want to know anything about him? Is learning about him important to you or is it just important that he learns about you? Frankly, sometimes it’s very hard to tell. Listening to your partner is vital to the sustenance of your relationship. It eliminates ambiguity. And, most importantly, it makes him feel important and heard. Those two things will stay with him when he runs into a “distraction” while he’s out with the boys.   

Additionally, that point where relationships have problems and he “stops communicating” is the point is where he’s given up, in…whatever. He has resolved himself to the fact that you are not interested in learning about him and are more interested in having him conform to you and your needs. You’ll start hearing words like “nagging” enter his vernacular. He’ll start avoiding conversations because they become lectures about how he’s not doing enough or how he’s “stopped communicating.” Are you getting a theme here? Listen to him. Learn about him. He will tell you. He won’t do it all in one conversation while y’all sit around crying all night. But, he will do it in his way. The quicker you learn his language, the quicker you will get to the vulnerable state described earlier. And, once that state is achieved, he will talk to you and you will listen to him. The two of you will work on maintaining your emotional connection in order to form a more perfect union.

Conclusion

There you have it. Two simple solutions to what seems like an impossible problem. The biggest problem as I see it is not in the other person, but in our own ability to overcome our inner demons. Can we step outside of ourselves and accept someone else? Do we understand that by accepting before we are accepted will open up the fast lane to understanding and committment? Most of my questions in this posting are rhetorical because you already know the answers. The one question that you need to ponder is, Can you start with the (wo)man in the mirror and make that change? (Sorry. I couldn’t avoid the Michael Jackson reference.)

That’s just my three cents….

sill-E

“Peep my ver-na-cular cuz I don’t know how to act…”

Volume Twelve (Part 2 of 3): Why Am I Still Single? – Female Version

Part two of my three part series, Why Am I Still Single?, is a touchy subject. How can a man tell a woman why she’s still single? I mean, I don’t know what it’s like to be a woman out there – especially in today’s time. Let’s face the facts, there is a shortage of good men. A woman’s talent pool of eligible bachelors significantly diminishes as she 1) Gets more education, 2) Ages, and 3) Continues to date. The first two are obvious. The last one probably needs (and will get) some explanation. Nevertheless, women are contributing to their own single-ness in some subtle, and not-so-subtle ways. This post is designed to describe and define those significant areas that are preventing women from finding the relationship they say they want. Again, the following will probably not fit someone perfectly; however, see if some or most of the scenarios fits your (or your friend’s) situation.

1) You are afraid of committment. Wow! Yes, I’m bringing the heat right out the box. That was a huge statement to start this discussion. I mean, women are the ones that are supposed to be ready for committment. Right? Wrong! Wrong! (Charlie Murphy reference) The truth is that women can be just as afraid (or more afraid) of committment as men are. What differs is how this fear is displayed in their actions as compared to men. They always get close to a real committment then, “something happens”. It could be a small something, or a big something; but, it’s always something. Or, they always boast about how they’re enjoying their single-ness. Committment requires a level of emotional intimacy that women are expected to have. What about those that aren’t prepared for emotional intimacy? I’ll tell you. They drift in and out of relationships – always ending with “something happening”.

2) You have unrealistic expectations. Guys typically call this type of woman “crazy” or “psycho” because of the acceleration of expectations. You can’t go from being chill one day, to getting upset because he didn’t call you seven times an hour the next day. I understand that’s an extreme example, but it’s how the changing of expectations lands on the man. If you have high expectations for your mate, let that be known up front. If you “scare him off”, that’s better than putting your heart and energy into a relationship that’s not going to work out anyway. Right? Also, evaluate your expectations to make sure they are realistic. And don’t give me the “I have high standards” argument. Hearing that will make me tell you to refer to reason number one of this post.

3) You have too much emotional baggage from previous relationships.I used to ask the women I’ve dated to not make me pay for the mistakes of the last guy they dated. Most of them didn’t heed my request. Listen, it’s human nature to see similar behavior and respond in kind. At the same time, we tend to want to over-correct the same slight by going off on the next man the first time the perceived slight happens. He walks away bewildered and bruised by your berating (say that five times real fast). And, since he was not privy to what happened to you previously, he may think that you are crazy….deranged. (Old school Martin Lawrence reference) If you’re not over what happened to you in your last relationship, maybe it’s not the time for you to start something new. Or, realize what your sensitive areas are and let your new friend know up front, so they won’t stick out behind.

4) You’re listening to your hating friends. Please understand, a single woman’s role in another single woman’s life is to provide support. I get that. Really, I do. But, please tell me why you always seem to take the advice of the most lonely and angry friend in your crew? I mean, you need to ask yourself why she is always available for you to vent to? Why you know you can call her when you want to have a girls’ night? Why you’ve never had to support her through her relationship issues? Friendships have balance. If your relationship with this girl is more one-sided, then you’ve got yourself a sidekick. Sidekicks are great. I love having them. At the same time, you can’t take their advice too seriously. They have no perspective. And, as the leader, you cannot listen to a subordinate. I’m just keepin’ it real.

5) You practice the bait-and-switch. Men do this too, so don’t think that this is exclusive to women; however, women are waaaaaaaaay more sophisticated at it. And, men usually do it just to get laid. Juvenile, I know; but true nonetheless. Women do it to land (I didn’t say trap. I thought it, but didn’t say it.) a man. Before we know it the person that we fell in love with is long gone and has been replaced with the real you. Now, this wouldn’t be a problem if we met the real you at the beginning. We fell in love with a mirage. Is that fair? It’s just about as fair as a man lying to you to get you to sleep with him. There’s a cliche that says “all’s fair in love and war.” If you surrender this potential mate, the overall victory of true love and happiness can be yours. 

Let’s recap.

1) You’re afraid of committment.

2) You have unrealistic expectations.

3) You have too much emotional baggage.

4) You’re listening to your hatin’ friends.

5) You’re practicing the bait-and-switch.

Well, there you have it. A man’s point of view as to why some women are still single. Now, the above may or may not apply to you; and, if it doesn’t, take it for what it’s worth. If it does, please do some soul searching and ask yourself why you are practicing in behaviors that, obviously, don’t work? The definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior expecting a different result. What is the goal of your unproductive behavior? Life is too short for games. Let’s practice being as genuine as possible and see where that takes us. I meet a lot of people and have rarely not connected with someone. Why? Because I am genuine from the start, and remain consistent throughout the relationship. In short, I keep it real. How real are you? And (in my best Dr. Phil) how’s that working for ya?

That’s just my three cents….

sill-E

Peep my ver-na-cular cuz I don’t know how to act…

Volume Eleven (Part 1 of 3): Why Am I Still Single? – Male Version

From the title you can tell that this blog will be thought provoking and insightful; while at the same time, outrage and expose those that the blog is designed to help, and those it is designed to call out. I’ve had the “why am I still single” conversation with women more than I care to count; however, that conversation is a bit different with the boys. The male’s relationship language is more encoded and subtle to maintain the appearance of being nonchalant about their relationship status. From the outside, being single looks like it’s a fun and exciting time, with an adventure every night. Those of us in relationships have all wondered what the world would be like if we were suddenly single again. The lure of having to only consider and answer to yourself can be intoxicating. But, I’m digressing…

Anyway, this is the first in a three-part series of blogs with the same title, “Why Am I Still Single?” This first installment is written from the male perspective for men to help both males and females gain some understanding regarding the answer to an, admittedly, redundant question. All of the points that I’m about to make may not fit your situation exactly; however, I’m sure they are confounding factors to an already confusing situation. Ladies, take notes. Look for these signs as to whether your “friend” is ready for committment with you. Fellas, try and get beyond the stereotypical male bravado, and see if you find yourself in any of the following scenarios. I’m going to be as real as I can be. And, to those of you that don’t know me, that can be pretty real. Here we go…

1) You’re holding on to the notion of being, or pretending to be, a fake-ass player.WTF! Fellas! Get over yourself already! Yes, there are a LOT more women out there than there are of us. And, YES, they begin to slip on their standards as they age because they are trying to get married. Nevertheless, that doesn’t make you Don Juan at 30+ years of age. Here’s a quick measuring point. If you weren’t a player when the odds were more even for women, don’t think that somehow your overweight, balding, flatulent, rudimentary, and regimented ass is suddenly more attractive now. My mother used to always tell me when I didn’t want to eat what she prepared for dinner, “If you’re hungry, you’ll eat.” Women today are starvingfor a good man. It just so happens that your ass ended up on their plate. Bon appetite!

2) Stop looking for perfection! The perfect woman doesn’t exist! Let me explain that statement. Yourperfect woman does exist. What you have been looking for is a woman who is perfect for EVERY man. Thatwoman does not exist. Hell, even the great Halle Berry has been cheated on, dumped, and abused. What makes you think that some random female you met in the club is suddenly the woman every man wants? And, somehow, that woman chose youfrom all the other men she is perfect for? C’mon Chris! Get your head out of your ass and face the facts. The woman you are looking for has to be perfect for you – not your mom, not your dad, not your boys, not your coworkers. You.The irony in this situation is that, if/when you find that woman who is perfect for you, she’ll be perfect for those people that are important to you as well.

3) You don’t know, or are afraid to admit, what you want.Look. Marriage and committment isn’t for everyone. I don’t know why society makes us feel that way. Like something is wrong with us if we choose not to get married. Now, if you’re afraid of committment, that’s another subject altogether; however, if you’re just too scared to say that you don’t want a relationship, that’s a problem. Please take the time to figure out what you want (or don’t want). That way, you can be honest with any potential mate so she can make an informed decision about whether to date you or not. My question is, are you man enough to be that honest with yourself and any potential date mate?

4) Show some damn restraint! Just because a woman says she wants to get with you with no strings attached, doesn’t mean that you have to get with her. Know this: There are ALWAYS strings! You may not see them because she does a great job of hiding them but, believe me, they are there. Lurking. Waiting for the most inopportune time to tangle you up. Additionally, by showing restraint, you are sending the message that you have integrity, morality, and respect. These qualities can do nothing but help you when you find someone you really like. Plus, you never know who’s watching you. A great girl may come along and choose not to get with you because you are indescriminate with who you sleep with. Everyone wants to feel like the person they are with is wanted by others. You don’t have to go out there and actually prove it. Nah-meen?

5) Stop looking in all the wrong places. The club is the WORST place to find a potential mate. Do yourself a favor? Ask all your married friends how they met their wife? I can almost guarantee that it was someplace other than a club. I have only one example I can point to of a couple meeting in a club and end up getting married. It is because of them that I’m not 100% sure the club relationship doesn’t work out. Now, I’m not saying don’t go to the club. Clubs are fun. And, I’m not saying it’s impossible. What I am saying is that it’s improbable. Treat the club for what it is. A fun gathering place to mingle with like-minded people. You know you’re not there looking for a wife. I’m saying, let’s stop pretending.

Let’s recap: Why Am I Still Single?

1) You’re still a fake-ass player.

2) You’re looking for perfection.

3) You don’t know, or are afraid to admit, what you want.

4) You’re not showing restraint.

5) You’re looking in the wrong places.

I could have said a lot more here. And, if you’ve read my previous posts, I may have violated man code a little. I’m sure I’m gonna be under investigation for this post. Please understand my intent is only for men to have more healthy relationships – whether they end up getting married or not. Relationships should be a choice that both parties make with the most honest (there goes that word again) and complete information going in. Doing that sets the best expectations possible. And, having healthy, realistic expectations about a relationship is the best way to have a positive outcome.

That’s just my three cents…

sill-E

“Peep my ver-na-cular cuz I don’t know how to act…”