Volume 63: Haz-ing Has Become Haz-y

I still get chills whenever they perform.

I’m back good people, and this time it’s with a heavy heart. For those of you that don’t know, I attended Florida A&M University. Yes, the now infamous school that has had both triumph and tragedy associated with its band, commonly known as the Marching 100. During my freshman year, while living on campus, I spent countless hours watching them rehearse on “The Patch”. I would hear the voice of Dr. Foster boom over the speakers like a god handing down orders. I admired the time and dedication each member devoted to their section…to the band. They ate together. They went to class together. They lived together. And, unfortunately, they died together.

I knew being in the band was tough. I knew more happened than just those long days and nights on the patch. And though, I never witnessed anything, there were rumors of late-night hazing of new members. It’s a curious word: Haze. It can mean so many things. At its mildest, it means “vagueness or obscurity, as of the mind or perception.” At its worst, it means “to subject (freshmen, newcomers, etc.) to abusive or humiliating tricks and ridicule”. But, is that really descriptive of the worst hazing can be? I mean, “tricks and ridicule” is hardly what ended the life of Robert Champion. Tricks and ridicule don’t get students in jail, university Presidents in peril, and parents in a panic. No, the vagueness and obscurity by students committing these deplorable acts is why Haz-ing Has Become Haz-y.

Rights of Passage

I had an interesting debate last night with a good friend regarding the band, the hazing, and who is ultimately responsible? That conversation got me to thinking: Is being in an extracurricular organization a right or a privilege? I mean, the band issues scholarships and accepts members as incoming freshmen; so, by right, membership is guaranteed. So what, then, are these students “pledging”? Their section? Their city? From an outsider looking in, it seems frivolous. And yet, to some degree, I understand. You see, I pledged an organization while I was at FAMU, so I understand the phrase “Rights of Passage.” There are extraordinary benefits that come with band (or organization) membership; and there are some who believe that you must earn those benefits by pledging hard. I’m not necessarily in that camp. I believe that it was a privilege to be accepted as a student at FAMU. Therefore, all memberships I garnered while I was there was an extension of said privilege. It was my privilege perspective that made me work as hard, and for as long as I did – both as a student and a member. Membership had/has its benefits. Those benefits were not gained through any hazing ritual. They were gained through work.

Blame The Victim?

It seems that whenever a situation of hazing goes awry, the public outcry is to find someone to blame. And, it seems in 2011, there’s a tendency to want to blame an institution or organization over the individual. We even saw that in politics when then-President Bush declared a war on “terror”? Terror? Really? Where is that located on the map? Anyway, I’m digressing. My point is that people make up the institutions and organizations, so people must be blamed – especially in incidents of hazing. These students were fully aware of the band, university, and state’s stance on hazing. They attended seminars and signed a document attesting to such. And yet, on the night(s) in question, these same students chose to covertly break the law and engage in illegal activities. Why don’t we hold them responsible? Why do we clamor for the dismissal of band directors and university presidents and behave as if the victim was kidnapped, beaten, then left to die? Is that harsh? Yes. It’s just as harsh as some of the vitriol I’ve seen spewed about the university and its officials. Question: When does institution liability end, and personal responsibility begin? If I willingly submit myself to be beaten, shouldn’t I share in some of the responsibility if I am injured? And I’m not “blaming the victim”. NO ONE enters those situations with thoughts that they might die. They trusted the other members and the process. That trust can sometimes be fatal.

Conclusion

I’ve often wondered why people subject themselves to hazing? It has to be more than a desire to belong. I believe it comes from a desire to test oneself: to prove to yourself and the world that while your head may be bloody, it is unbowed (metaphorically speaking, of course). The irony of most of these situations is that, many times, the hardest pledgers were the weakest members. They believed the acclaim gained by a difficult process earned them their slice of the popularity pie. I was told by several brothers that “pledging begins when you become a member”. I didn’t know what that meant until I crossed. Before you pledge, it’s all a fantasy world filled with respect and adoration. After, it’s work, work, and more work. And when you’re not working, you get asked why you’re not working. Being hazed is a facade to make you believe that you have earned the right to membership. That’s the haze of hazing. You go in expecting to gain; but you come out with inconceivable loss.

That’s just my three cents…

Sill-E

“Peep my ver-na-cular cuz I don’t know how to act…”

Volume 62: Are You An A-minus?

What’s up good people? My life is filling up more and more, but I’m still committed to posting to provide thought-provoking (and sometimes insightful) content. As you probably know, I’ve missed the mark recently; however, I have made some necessary adjustments in order to meet the demand for more Sillethoughts. So, with no further ado, let’s get started.

Unless you work from home by yourself, you have coworkers. And, as we all know, personalities vary from person-to-person. In colloquial lexicon, we have two commonly used monikers in which to summarize the personality “type” of those who surround us – especially in the workplace. Those descriptions are Type A and Type B. These monikers not only satisfy our need to summarize and classify; they also satisfy our need to split and create dichotomous and opposed entities. In layman’s terms, we create good vs. evil, black vs. white, Democrats vs. Republicans, etc. Conflict is inherent in all of our literary and theatrical themes as well; yet, in the Type A vs. Type B argument, can there be a third option? I mean, do we have to be either right, left, Black, White, good or evil? I ask the question because I wrestle with this myself. I’ve never been comfortable with being labeled “Type A” or “Type B”. I believe that I have the qualities of both A and B personalities. In fact, I believe that most people are a mix of the two qualities instead of being just one or the other. Doesnt’ black and white mix to make gray? Aren’t most Americans more central in their political views versus being far right or left? And, haven’t we all been both good and evil at times? It would suffice to say, then, that our work “types” could also be a mix. It was this thought that caused me to ask, “Are You An A-minus?”

A and B Defined

Wikipedia.org describes the Type A individual as “ambitious, aggressive, business-like, controlling, highly competitive, preoccupied with his or her status, time-concious, and tightly wound.“ WOW! Now, if I’m being completely honest with myself (and some of you are honest with me) I know that there are times where I meet the criteria for a Type A individual. In colloquial use, we tend to have a negative connotation when describing someone as “Type A”. In fact, we’d love to add the words pushy, narcissistic, and overbearing to the list above; at the same time, in order to be successful, don’t we have to display those characteristics at some point? I mean, there’s only one job listing for Mother Theresa and the Dalai Lama. The rest of us are going to have to compete for success. I think a person that is ambitious, business-like, competitive, and time-concious will have a better chance of winning the work wars, don’t you?

Contrasting the Type A individual is the Type B. These persons are described as being the “perfect contrast” to the Type A. “People with Type B personalities are generally patient, relaxed, easy-going, and at times lack and overriding sense of urgency.” Wait….what? That doesn’t seem to compute. Being patient, relaxed and easy-going doesn’t mean I don’t have a sense of urgency. It means that I see the bigger picture and don’t lose my mind competing with others. It means that I recognize the toll stress can have on the body and I employ techniques to limit or minimize my stress. It could also mean that I’m not an @$$hole that needs to run over people to get my point across or succeed. I’m just sayin’…

A-Minus

Those of you that know me know that I’m not the conventional-type guy. I enjoy being atypical and, at times, seek being different for difference sake. Thus the creation of the Type A-Minus personality descriptor. The A-minus person has the edge of the Type A, but have sanded them down with the positive aspects of the Type B. What does that mean? It means I’ve replaced “aggressive” with “assertive”, “controlling” with “stewardship”, and “tightly wound” with “puposeful planning”. It means that “we” is not just a French word meaning yes. It means that I can become more of a success by making my superiors, peers, and subordinates feel as if the two most important letters in the word team aren’t the ‘m‘ and ‘e‘. Being an A-minus means I take charge of my life and work to climb the ladder of success, while at the same time appreciating those who contribute to my ascent as well as the journey itself.

Conclusion

Whether you agree with his leadership and/or policies, I believe that President Obama is a classic A-minus personality – even to his own detriment. Over the past three years, I’ve watched him struggle with this because his supporters want to see more Type A and his opponents want more Type B. I know I just extolled the virtues of being an A-minus, but it can be extremely difficult to navigate our dichotomous world successfully. People want to be able to lable you Type A or B – even though there is no statistical evidence supporting either theory. Those monikers sound good because they are nice ways of calling someone a jerk or soft without being mean. Being an A-minus means you have the potential for both. It means you are providing an honest and well-rounded assessment of who you are; and, really, who does that? Honesty in self-assessments means you’re comfortable with what and who you are. It means that you like yourself, but see room for improvement. It means that you’re satisfied with your imperfections while at the same time seeking to correct them. Overall, being an A-minus means that you’re a work in progress and you’re okay with that.

That’s just my three cents…

Sill-E

“Peep my ver-na-cular cuz I don’t know how to act…”

Volume 61: Lean Into Your Discomfort

Since I began working with high school students, I’ve been thinking a lot about how to inspire more critical thought.They have shown themselves to be stagnant when the answer or next move is not readily available – which I find disturbing. And what’s even more disturbing is that they seem perfectly content with allowing their belief and value systems to be molded and shaped by others who may not have their best interest at heart. Critical thought goes beyond the who, what, when, and where. Critical thought moves into the how and the why. And it is the answers to those questions that inspires growth. However, growth also has growing pains, and a natural tendency to want to move in the opposite direction. A classic example is the American political system. The country seems endlessly perched on the end of a pendulum – swinging back-and-forth from right to left. This tendency only retards growth and progress.

The next, and obvious, question is “How do we inspire critical thought and growth while at the same time reducing our tendency to resist change?” The answer (while not so obvious) is simple. We overcome our resistance to change by practicing critical thought, and by Leaning Into Our Discomfort.

Prep Work

Have you ever taken on a physical challenge, like running a race or playing a sport? How about the preparation it takes to get ready for a job interview? I don’t think that there is any endeavor we undertake that we don’t get prepared for – with one glaring exception: Change. Why is that? Fear? I don’t think so. I believe that we are resistant to change because we haven’t prepared for it. I don’t start a run without stretching. I don’t go for a job interview without learning about the position and company. How, then, would I be equipped to dive into change without preparing for it? It doesn’t make any sense; and yet, we prove our insanity by doing it over and over again. Change, as they say, is constant; therefore, change, large or small, must be prepared for appropriately.

Lean Back

Leaning into your discomfort is an effective way of preparing for change. It is a way of stretching the boundaries of our beliefs to be able to accommodate those (beliefs) that may be foreign to yours without overreacting or experiencing psychological distress. For example, I consider myself to be socially liberal, but personally conservative; so, in preparation for the 2000 elections, I began listening to, and watching conservative media outlets. I chose to do that to lean into the discomfort of the potential political change in this country. Doing that helped me adjust to the results without the knee-jerk reaction of hyperbole or (even worse) creating a political party as a response.

Tips for Leaning

As part of the evolution of Sillethoughts.com, each post will include some tips or information regarding the subject. I am, in a sense, helping you lean into the impending change of my blog site. Anyway, below are Five (5) Tips on Leaning into Your Discomfort.

1) Identify what makes you uncomfortable. Write down those things that make you uncomfortable. Write down everything – from the small to the large.

2) Engage those things on the list. Start with the smaller items first and engage them. It can be as simple as what I did by listening to media outlets that differed greatly from my own view. Just make sure that you proceed slowly. Remember, these things make you uncomfortable.

3) Explore the uncomfortable feeling. Many times we avoid things that make us uncomfortable before we truly understand how and why we are uncomfortable (aka, critical thinking). Take the time to fully appreciate the feeling so you can articulate what makes you uncomfortable. I found my arguments against conservative political policies to be more robust after my exercise.

4) Discuss the feeling with a like-minded and opposite-minded people. Once you have a good understanding of why you’re uncomfortable (through critical thinking), you should bounce your thoughts off of people on both sides of the equation. This allows you to check your thinking, fortify your argument, or possibly provide a new context that wasn’t readily apparent in your self-study. I found myself actually agreeing with some of the conservative arguments I was hearing. That agreement made it easier to think critically about proposed policies, because I wasn’t married to one particular philosophy.

5) Rinse and repeat. Leaning into your discomfort requires patience and practice. As previously stated, the natural human tendency is to reject those things that we consider foreign to our beliefs and/or experiences. You may still choose to reject some things; but now, at least you know why.

Conclusion

As I was writing this post, I began to think, “Would someone lose their passion for a topic/subject if they learned more about their opposition?” It’s a fair question. Fair, but shortsighted. Passion doesn’t have to be the victim. In fact, why do you have to lose anything? What you are gaining is a new perspective and you’re adding it to your own. What you are gaining is a healthy respect for the drive and passion on the other side of the equation. How can there be a loss in that? In my opinion, there is only one victim when we lean into our discomfort. That victim is ignorance.

That’s just my three cents…

Sill-E

“Peep my ver-na-cular cuz I don’t know how to act…”

Volume 60: Wait A Minute…

I need a favor from those of you that have been following my blog since it began (like my girl Cool V). I need for you to explain to my growing list of new readers that, from time to time, I cut through the introspective niceties, get real, and go off. THIS is one of those times. Honestly, I didn’t know I was going to write this blog until I was talking with my wife last night. I was telling her a couple of incredible stories about people who took themselves so seriously that they did things to hurt themselves more than the people who offended them. One of the crazy stories I read was about a McDonald’s manager that punched a customer in the face because she wouldn’t take her TWO autistic children’s service dog out of the restaurant. Really? Another story is about the woman in Oklahoma that tries to run over another woman for looking like Casey Anthony. Really folks, I’m not making this up. Sometimes, people, we have to take a step back and examine the forest. Sometimes we have to take an inventory of our lives and ask the question, “Is this worth losing my freedom, my sanity, or my life over?” Sometimes we have to take a breath and say, “Wait A Minute…”

Say It Again Theory

If you could walk a mile in my shoes, you would hear some of the most incredulous stupidest (yes, I said stupidest) things come out of people’s mouths. It’s because of the random stupidity of some folks that I developed the “Say It Again Theory”. The theory was developed to protect my sanity and to protect others from my sarcastic retorts. Instead of figuratively punching them in the face with a nasty response, I simply say, “Wait a minute. Say that again?” That’s the nicest way I’ve figured out to let someone know they’ve just said one of the dumbest things ever uttered by a human being (I told you I was going H.A.M. in this post). Typically, when someone is asked to repeat what they just said, they think about it, and realize their demented diatribe just killed some of my brain cells, LOL!

Narcissism on Steroids

In light of the serious tragedy that took place in Norway and the sillEness of the above stories, I’m beginning to believe that narcissism and histrionics are replacing common sense and critical thinking. Let’s face it: Fifteen minutes of fame (be it bad or good) can (and has shown to be) very profitable. Those “profits” can be financial, social, political, or all three. But, the former business major in me asks, “Can there be profit without costs associated with them?” If not, what are the costs of these extreme behaviors? One word: Copycats. Our society (and the world) rewards extreme behaviors by paying for interviews, replaying it ad nauseam, or making it a trending topic on Twitter. Even if there is social “cost” for unsocial behavior, it might be worth the financial gain associated. Hell, I would consider embarrassing myself and my family for a financial windfall. Hey, I said consider, LOL!

Conclusion

I think the sensationalism fed to us on a 24-hour news cycle is starting to make us delusional. That’s the unintended side-effect of higher ratings. Good news turns of televisions. Good news doesn’t get discussed at the bars and water coolers across America. Good news doesn’t make us feel better because we don’t get to say, “At least my life is better than theirs.” There is a cliché regarding every person getting fifteen minutes of fame. I’d like to think that if we waited a minute, the remain fourteen could serve as a sane example for others to imitate.

That’s just my three cents…

Sill-E

“Peep my ver-na-cular cuz I don’t know how to act…”

COMING SOON: Sillethoughts fully interactive website. Also, if you live in the Atlanta area and become a fan Sillethoughts and The 3 Degrees of Separation Interactive Talk Show, you can win tickets to One Music Fest next month. Post the comment, ”I just gave Sillethoughts the 3rd Degree!” on both pages to enter.

Volume 59: The Handbook of Life

Sometimes it feels like a game, doesn't it?

Welcome back to this week’s version of Sillethoughts. Before we get into the topic, I’d like to share some exciting news with you. I am diligently working on building the content for expanding this blog into a fully interactive website dedicated to helping people maximize their lives. I’m excited because the site will afford me the opportunity to help people move from insight to action. So, while many of you enjoy reading the blog and incorporating my musings into your own; many might want some more directive methods on how to become a better person. The website will offer both; thus, my excitement. That brings me to how I was inspired for this post.

I was having another philosophical debate regarding my opinion that people should have to be licensed to have a child. I take the stance that, if you have to have a license to drive, fish, hunt, get married, etc.; then, why couldn’t/wouldn’t “they” come up with a way to license people to have a child? I mean, isn’t raising a child one of (if not THE) most important things you’ll do as an adult? And, isn’t it poor parenting that contributes to many of the societal ills that plague us? Anyway, I’m making my argument again and you haven’t even said you disagree with me, LOL! However, it was the argument that got me to thinking: What other things do we encounter as adults that we are not fully prepared for as we are growing? I’ve said on more than one occasion, “Man, if I’d know this before…”. I pondered this past week: Wouldn’t it be nice if life came with a handbook? I mean school, work, cars – hell, even PlayStations have handbooks – but the toughest thing you do (Life) doesn’t have one? So, I decided that I’m going to venture off into the land of make believe (shout out to Mr. Rogers) and describe those things that need to be in The Handbook of Life.

Early Years (Birth to 12)

This would be the shortest part of the handbook. It’s short primarily because half of this time you can’t even read, LOL! This part of the handbook would mostly be filled with warnings. For example, like the time I thought it was possible to jump off the roof of my house using a garbage bag as a parachute. My life handbook would have explicitly stated that this was one of the dumbest ideas on earth at the time, and directed me to a more useful exercise of my imagination. Or the time I thought it would be cool to take a squirt gun that looked like an Uzi into Disney World with me. That bit of stupidity got me an unwelcomed behind-the-scenes tour of the park. If I’d checked the handbook, I don’t think that would have been an approved activity. (Side note: I’m just glad I did that prior to Columbine or 9/11. Otherwise, my handbook might have stopped right there.) Finally, the early years would have explained the strange feelings I’m having as I approach puberty. It could answer, why am I suddenly attracted to the very people I ran from because they had “cooties?” Or, why were we all the same size one year, then the next year everyone else grew but me? My handbook would have really been handy then.

Yes I did, LOL!

Adolescence (Ages 12-20)

I extend adolescence to 20 because that’s what many “experts” report. Lay people tend to think of that time as just being the “teen” years, but some men have extended puberty past the age of 21, so I decided to split the difference. Anyway, this section of the handbook would answer a lot of ‘why’ questions. For example, why do girls say they want an nice guy, but date the boys that treat them the worst? Or, why does God have such a sense of humor that he decided puberty was a good time to introduce us to pimples and acne? Or even, why do I get that uneasy feeling in my stomach when that particular girl walks into the room? The handbook could also tell you that listening to your friends during this time frame could be hazardous to your health. There are many laws that have been fractured as a result of being “boosted up” by my supportive, yet unwilling, comrads. Yes, my friends, the whys of adolescence could have been answered if we had been given our own handbook.

Adulthood (Ages 20 and up)

This section would probably be broken into sub-sections to address ten-year time blocks. Our 20′s are defintely different from our 30′s, and so on. Once the why’s of adolescence have been addressed, the how-to’s of adulthood come into play. For example, how do I get the girl I want to like me because it’s always her less attractive friend that wants to go out? Or how do I explain to my job that there are some days I might not just feel like doing work, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to get paid? There are a few why’s associated with adulthood too. Here’s one from earlier: Why didn’t someone tell me that I could be pushing that BMW 745i that I like if I didn’t have a child? Or, why don’t married people really tell you about the ups and downs of marriage until after you get married? Here’s a good one: Why is talking about divorce still so taboo when over 50% of marriages end in divorce? I think if some philosophical and existential questions about adulthood could be addressed by the handbook, we could spend our mental energies on more important issues. I mean, if we answer the tough questions of life, then we could focus on curing cancer, space exploration, balancing the budget, or getting beyond racial differences or stereotypes, couldn’t we?

Conclusion

I’m back from my trip into fantasy land. It was a wonderfully and painfully nostalgic ride. The Handbook of Life is not something that I truly want to exist. Having a handbook would be both extremely helpful and disasterous at the same time. The handbook I just described would’ve served as a “cheat code” for some of the mistakes that I’ve made over the years. However, all mistakes provide lessons. Mistakes are life’s way of teaching you how to behave, respond, and react in the future. The future is unknown and, at times, frightening. Having a handbook could serve to reduce and/or eliminate those fears. But fear is also one of the greatest shapers of our behavior. We fear death so we eat right and exercise. We fear God so we’re honest and treat others with love and respect. We fear failing so we get up every morning and take on the challenges of a new day. So while, sadly, life doesn’t come with a handbook; it usually comes with at least one guide. We call thoses guides parents.

That’s just my three cents…

Sill-E

“Peep my ver-na-cular cuz I don’t know how to act…”

Volume 58: Less IS More

This has been a remarkable week for me in a somewhat unremarkable summer. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am enjoying my summer; at the same time, it can be described as unremarkable. What made this past week remarkable is that I derived the same lesson from multiple sources. When this rare occurence happens, I realize that God is really trying to make His point. Sometimes He just provides a nudge, and sometimes He hits you over the head. This week, it was the latter. The first experience came from church. The sermon was about humility and how, by showing it, you can get more of your promised blessings. The second was the Atlanta Public Schools cheating scandal and the revelation of the investigation. The systemic cheating and disgusting display of undeserved praise and promotions for ill-gotten scores is enough to make this parent home school his kids. And, finally, I had a family disagreement that almost got out of hand due to poor communication and outright stubbornness. Each of these events made me realize that, in all phases of my life – spiritual, professional, and personal – the less I focus on what I want, and what I can get out of it, the more I can and will receive as a result. Let me say that again. The less I focus on what I want, and what I can get out of a situation, the more I can and will receive from it. Yes, we’ve said the cliché thousands of times, but we still don’t seem to truly follow it. However, after this week, I’m waving the banner that says, Less IS More!

The American Way

It seems a bit counter-intuitive to ask someone to reduce, or even set aside, their personal needs and desires for someone else’s. I mean, this country was founded on the principles of satisfying your own desires, wasn’t it? Be it economic, religious, or personal freedom; American culture has always been fortified by the mantra of independence. But, wait a minute, are we truly independent? Can we “pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps” if we didn’t make the boots? Frankly, is our “independence” purchased by, and predicated upon, the work of someone else? For example, I can’t be a successful blogger without readers choosing to spend their time reading my musings. I can’t grow my blog without you sharing what you’ve read with others (hint, wink). Now, I could claim that I built this by myself, but that wouldn’t be completely honest, would it?

More from Less

Theres a powerful word in the English language that most people don’t recognize as powerful until the opposite happens to them. That word is ‘acknowledgement’. Think about those times where you’ve worked hard on a project only to have someone else get acknowledged for the work you did. How did that make you feel? How do you feel when you get credit for something you didn’t do? Acknowledging someone creates a truer sense of community in whatever sphere you’re operating. People work harder when they know they have a boss that will acknowledge their efforts. Families communicate better when their feelings are acknowledged. Acknowledging someone doesn’t take away from you. In fact, just the opposite occurs. It enhances your ability to connect and create synergy because your goal has become a part of theirs. Therefore, less of you as a pseudo-individual, inevitably creates more of you(r) peers, coworkers, and/or family working towards a common goal. (Did you just have an “ah-ha” moment? LOL)

Conclusion

Despite my prayerful prose, I have a healthy dose of reality in me as well. I know I write about how the world (or people) should be, and not how they really are. At the same time, should I stop writing about the world I’d like to see? It’s been said that we create our own reality. My reality is this: As my readership grows, so does the world in which I want to reside. My friends and family are adjusting to the new “reality” that I am creating. Honestly, some of them have “adjusted” their way out of my life. But, I’m okay with that. There was a time when having a lot of “friends” meant so much to me. Now, having true friends means more. I work at being less of me because that’s the way I can get more out of life.

That’s just my three cents…

Sill-E

“Peep my ver-na-cular cuz I don’t know how to act…”

Volume 57: Life As A Fraction

The Simple Things In Life

Remember when we were kids in school? Sometimes I think about that time fondly and realize how simple life was back then (although we didn’t know how simple it was until we got older). One of my best subjects as a fledgling genius was math. I was good at it and enjoyed it immensely. There were two main things that I loved about math. The first was the fact that math computations have only one answer. There weren’t any PhD’s pontificating on the veracity of my answer. No. Two plus two equalled four. Nice and neat. The second thing that I loved about math is, whenever possible, you tried to reduce problems to the smallest possible unit(s). Reduction made the computation simpler and easier to manage. That got me to thinking about life. We just celebrated the Fourth of July this past weekend. I watched the parties, and read the status updates and tweets regaling about long weekend vacations filled with new and exciting activities. I say I watched all these things because I chose to take a different route. I chose to reduce my weekend to the base-level activities that I enjoy – golf, cooking, and hanging with family and friends. I simplified my weekend which made it easier to manage. It also made it more enjoyable. I enjoyed it so much that it inspired this week’s post. Simply stated in math terms, I enjoyed my Life As A Fraction.

Simplify versus Amplify

We worked hard through high school and college (well, some of us did) to “amplify” our lives. Amplifying means having a better car, house, vacations, restaurant options, party invitations, etc. We try to amplify in almost every endeavor. For example, the rare times I go to a club, I refuse to wait in line, and absolutely hate not being in VIP. I have turned up (aka amplified) my club experience to the point that I won’t go back. Think about your life. Are there some things that you used to do or accept that you can’t or won’t any longer? I’m sure there are. Larger offices, luxury cars, and lavish homes are representations of the “American Dream”, aren’t they? Freedom is characterized not by being able to do what you want, but by actually doing it, right? From a personal, cultural and, sometimes, spiritual context, amplification makes sense. Then why, does it seem, that so many people are unhappy? Why do we have to find new and more exciting ways to amplify our lives? We seem to be in constant pursuit of achieving the so-called “next level”. What if the “next level” is not a destination, but a journey? Can happiness truly be achieved if we don’t know where we are going or how to get there?

Here’s a suggestion: When amplification has you worn out, stressed out, broke and bothered, try simplifying. Simplifying is reducing your life and world to your core needs – to those things that make you happy regardless of where you are, who you are with, and how much it cost. One of my favorite activities in the world is wrestling on the floor with my son. It doesn’t cost me anything. I don’t have to go anywhere. Hell, I don’t even have to shower (if you just said ”ewwwww” that means you’re paying attention, LOL!). I just get on my knees and let him jump all over me as we laugh. Those moments cannot be found via Travelocity, Expedia, or MapQuest. Those moments don’t take reservations, don’t have a VIP section, and definitely don’t charge $25 for your first piece of checked luggage. Those moments mean so much to me, and probably more to him. Those moments are simple, elegant, and priceless.

Conclusion

I said this past week on the 3 Degrees of Separation Talk Show, “Simplifying your life can be just as rewarding as amplifying it.” I truly believe that. Don’t get me wrong, I still love going on trips, and flying first class, and ballin’ out in the VIP section; at the same time, I balance that with wrestling on the floor, a round of golf, and a beer on the back porch. Simplifying from time to time provides perspective for it quiets the noise that we create by our continuous pursuit of amplification. I stated earlier that amplifying your life is a journey. If that is the case, then simplifying it are the rest stops along the way.

That’s just my three cents…

Sill-E

“Peep my ver-na-cular cuz I don’t know how to act…”

Volume 56: How “Able” Are You?

I’ve noticed a disturbing trend in American culture recently. So disturbing that I decided to drop my three cents on the matter. That trend is our penchant for finding external excuses for our misdeeds. Why is that? I mean, no one likes the feeling of having to apologize and/or atone for wrong doings; at the same time, it is the uncomfortable feeling that keeps us from committing the misdeeds in the first place, isn’t it? Now, we (and by “we” I mean American culture) are quick to find a culprit for everything that we do. If we’re unfaithful, we’re sex addicts. If we’re rude, selfish, and obnoxious, we’re depressed or bipolar. If we’re socially clueless or inept, we were bullied as kids. There always seems to be this external cause guiding our conscious choices. Choices, I might add, we were perfectly okay with until our indiscretion(s) were exposed. What happened to the “abilities” in our lives? In our culture? The abilities I’m referring to are account-ability and response-ability. These “abilities” are what used to be the foundation of our morality. They were the abilities that kept us grounded, and pushed us further along the evolutionary path. Those abilities are key in the maturation process and are tantamount tools for parents to teach the children. And yet, we are losing our abilities more and more each year. Yes account-ability, response-ability, and even sense-ability are eroding like a coastal shoreline during a hurricane. It definitely seems as if entertainers, athletes, politicians, and high-profile criminals have lost their abilities. The question I have is: How “Able” Are You?

Maturity

In last week’s post, Know Thyself, I defined maturity as “requiring introspection, acknowledgement, accountability, humility, respect, and adaptability.” As you can see, there are other “abilities” that moves our morality meter. When I was in graduate school, I learned to walk the fine line between identifying and acknowledging the impetus of a client’s problem; to providing excuses for their maladjusted behavior(s). It was my response-ability to get them to understand that they have the ability to choose their own response to external stimuli – no matter what their original programming was. For example, for many years I tried to blame my selfish and irresponsible behavior on my alcoholic father and disrupted childhood. Identifying the source of my behavior was a gold mine for me because it became my personal dumping ground. I tried to dump as many of my unsavory traits onto my upbringing and my father. He was to blame for my lack of abilities. And yet, at the moment of realization, whose response-ability are my poor decisions? Does that fit the definition of maturity? Or, am I to blame for my lack of ability development?

Consequences

You see, the introspection and acknowledgement portion of maturity requires that we assume response-ability for our own actions. Sometimes that means we have to accept unpleasant consequences. I believe that it is our inability to accept consequences that is contributing to the decline of morality in this country. So, when Tiger Woods’ multiple sexual partners are discovered, or Eric Benet cheats on Halle Berry, or Rep. Weiner sends pictures of himself to any woman he meets on the internet; they blame it on a “sexual addiction”. It’s ironic how they weren’t addicts before they had to face consequences for their misdeeds. Newt Gingrich blamed his multiple affairs on his “love for, and dedication to, this country.” Really? Immorality is being cast aside increasingly as we attempt to eschew the entanglements of consequences, while satisfying our amorous appetites. If we do not cultivate our abilities and learn to accept consequences, not only are we doing ourselves a disservice; but, more importantly, we are doing our children one as well.

Conclusion

This topic is extremely salient with me for two reasons. First, I have two children for which I have to try and provide examples. I have to help them develop and cultivate the very abilities undergirding our morality. Second, I work in an inner-city high school and I listen to teenagers regale us with more stories about how their deficiencies aren’t their fault. I’d never say this to them but, to a certain extent, they are correct. There is plenty of “fault” to go around. However, ultimately, it will be them and society that will have to bear the consequences of their diminished abilities. Consequences do not disappear. Someone eventually pays for a person’s lack of “ability”. Earlier, I asked the question, “How Able Are You?” Are you the “able” that follows response, account, and even sense? Or, are you the Able that bore the consequences of Cain?

That’s just my three cents…

Sill-E

“Peep my ver-na-cular cuz I don’t know how to act…”

Volume 55: Know Thyself!

As a self-described social commentator/psychologist/critic, I have wired my brain to find life’s lessons from the most mundane or random sources. This happened again this past week, and provided another prophetic parable for me to pontificate upon (Whew! LOL!). The short version of the back story is that we were dropping our kids off to spend the week at my in-laws (woo-hoo!). This particular time, we chose to meet halfway in Montgomery, AL. Typically when we do this, we eat lunch and then drive back to Atlanta; however, it was extremely hot and the wait at the restaurant was an hour, so we decided to skip lunch head back home. That’s when my wife started stalling. She began creating obstacles to prevent our getting back on the road immediately. I was becoming increasingly annoyed by this and almost said something condescendingly sarcastic. This, of course, would have touched off an argument and ruined the bliss we just created by having no kids for a week. God touched my head, heart, and (most importantly) mouth and led me to ask, “What’s going on? Why are you stalling our departure?” It was at that moment that she recognized she was stalling. She said it wasn’t until I asked the question that she searched her feelings and was able to articulate what the problem was.

Now that was a long story (sorry) to illustrate the premise of this post. How often do we act and/or react without really knowing why we are reacting in that manner? Do we think about the impact our reaction(s) have on our friends, family, and coworkers? Do we care? Assuming we do care, how do we transition from instantaneous responses based on subconscious needs and desires, to recognizing our feelings and being able to articulate them comfortably? The answer is centuries old and still has men baffled by the complexity produced by its simplicity. The answer, simply, is to Know Thyself!

Who Am I?

We all, at some point in time, have struggled with our identity. That struggle could be at the beginning, where we are still trying to establish one; or along the way, as the results of poor parenting, low self-esteem, abuse, etc. chips away at the facade of an identity we created to protect ourselves. The disservice we do to ourselves by not really learning who we are at our core shows up in the moments like the one described earlier. Underdeveloped or unrecognized identity can separate us from identifying the emotions that motivate our behaviors. Instead, we develop personality styles and traits that conceal the primary impetus.

Thus, in our previous example, my wife was being passive-aggressive in her protests against immediate departure.  Ironically, she was just tired from being on the road for two hours, and wanted a break before starting back. However, the impact of her unconscious reactions almost incited an aggressive response from me that could have resulted in an argument. Knowing yourself puts you closer to your primary feelings/emotions/motivations; and therefore you are able to better control your behaviors. Ultimately, knowing yourself will get you more of what you want and need because you are able to better articulate it, and get more positive responses from the people around you. In essence, you are a more genuine you.

Conclusion

As we age, we believe that our behavior(s) move from being controlled by our emotions to being controlled by our rational thoughts. This is not necessarily how it works. We become more rational as we mature. We have to mature in order to know ourselves. Maturity requires introspection, acknowledgement, accountability, humility, respect, and adaptability. That list is surprisingly similar to what it would take to know yourself. Hmmmmm? We spend a tremendous amount of time, energy, and resources trying to figure out how to make our lives easier and/or better. Some would say that they don’t even know where to start. I would suggest that you “start” by finishing you.

That’s just my three cents…

Sill-E

“Peep my ver-na-cular cuz I don’t know how to act…”

Volume 54: A Question of Character

Is this winning?

Unless you have been in another country, or deliberately avoiding any and all news sources, you know that the NBA Finals just ended. You should also know that, on our path to the coronation of “King James”, the Dallas Mavericks got in the way. Now, before you stop reading because you think this post is about sports, let me assure you that it’s not. This post is about perspective, and how it can come from the most unassuming sources. So, we were getting ready for work the morning after the Heat loss and my wife asked me about the game. She is what I would characterize as the “typical” female in that she has one sport that she enjoys, but maintains a cursory interest in others because she knows I am a fan. Anyway, she noticed how hateful the fans and media have been towards Lebron James and his infamous “decision”. She then made one of the most powerful statements I’ve heard regarding the Lebron debate. She stated, “It says a lot about a person’s character to root for someone to lose.” WOW! Here I was having text, email, and verbal debates trying to give people perspective about Lebron and, more importantly, our behavior regarding hero-worship and/or demonizing; and my wife unintentionally gave me the topic of this post. I pondered her statement throughout the day, asking myself, “Why do we have to choose between a hero and a villain? And, why do we find delight in the misfortunes of others?” The Lebron debate had taken a new path for me. It was no longer about stats, or NBA history, or revisionist history. It was about perspective. It was no longer a question of the intricacies of basketball. It was A Question of Character.

You Lose, I Win

The revelation that I had was that we have gotten to the point in this society that our “winning” (thanks, Charlie Sheen) no longer has to come as a result of our own personal dedication and hard work. No, we can “win” simply by having the right person lose. It could be that jerk co-worker that finally gets reprimanded for his misdeeds on the job. It could be the politician (or political party) enduring a controversy. Or, it can be a sports star or team failing in their attempt to achieve a goal. How (or why) are our lives personally enhanced by the failings of others? What does that say about our goals? What does that say about our character?

Tearing Down the Joneses

It is human nature to compare. I’m reading a book called Predictably Irrational, and it talks about the economic theory of relativity. In layman’s terms, it suggests that we need a comparison to make most of all of our decisions – from which toothpaste to buy, all the way to which person to marry. We created games and sports as comparisons for how skilled, big, fast, or strong we are. We created degrees to compare how smart we are. However, in our quest to “keep up with the Joneses”, we lost perspective. Previously, keeping up meant making yourself better. For example, I distinctly remember in high school I aced Algebra 2 not because I wanted to get a good grade and raise my GPA. No. I aced that class because I didn’t want the foreign exchange student to think Americans were lazy and dumb. Sill-E, isn’t it? Yet, the byproduct of my comparison was I made myself better. I did get a good grade, and raised my GPA, and used that knowledge to score over 600 on the math portion of the SAT. My keeping up with the Joneses, or Nagasaki’s, made me better. How different it is today. Today, I could just root for her to fail, or find a subject that she was struggling in, to make myself feel better. I don’t need to keep up, or make myself better. I can just hope that you fail so you can be just as mediocre and miserable as me.

Conclusion

I watch the news from time to time, and I try to look for the celebration stories. Celebration stories are those stories that celebrate someone’s achievements or overcoming a personal challenge. As you can guess, those stories are rare. What I find more are stories of people’s personal shortcomings and failures. Whether it’s Spears and Lohan, Gingrich and Weiner, or Lebron and Wade; we, as a culture, seem to be more interested in failure. Why is that? And, more importantly, is that contributing to the decline of our reign as the number one superpower? No longer are we challenging ourselves to be bigger, stronger, smarter, faster, or better than our competition. No longer are we using the cognitive dissonance caused by our weaknesses to turn them into strengths. I learned a lot about myself in that Algebra 2 class. I took the challenge head on and made myself better to meet it. Did I beat her? O

ccasionally. But I learned that recognizing someone’s victory doesn’t mean we’re celebrating our loss. It also doesn’t make us losers just like celebrating the failures of others doesn’t make us winners. It only makes us bitter and complacent. I guess that’s easier than trying.

That’s just my three cents…

Sill-E

“Peep my ver-na-cular cuz I don’t know how to act…”