Can you find me in this photo?
Well, here we are. I can’t believe that it’s been another week. I have to apologize for the brevity of my last post. It was a hectic week and I wanted to publish something. I was getting ready for my 20th Reunion at my high school and had to write a speech. For someone who is not a writer by profession, I sure do write A LOT, lol! Anyway, like I said, I went to my high school reunion this past weekend and I had a blast! Hell, I couldn’t even lie and say I didn’t because my cheesing face has been tagged on Facebook more times than the slow kid on the playground. Social networking is both good AND bad because I know I would have not let some of those pictures get out if I had the opportunity to screen them ahead of time. But, as they say, it is what it is. They wouldn’t have the pictures if I wasn’t posing for them – or drinking or being loud and rowdy or drinking (I think I said that already). On a side note, an open bar for any amount of time is a dangerous thing.
Alone in the Crowd
I enjoyed reconnecting with my classmates this weekend – more than I ever thought that I would. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to see my old friends. It was just that I was pretty insecure in high school. Now, I found out this weekend that I did a great job of hiding my insecurity; but, believe me, I was. I was a scrawny little Black kid trying to fit in at a predominantly white high school in Neptune Beach, FL. I was smart (at least, that’s what they told me), popular (I think), and funny (as voted by my class). Yet, I was insecure and felt isolated at times. I never had a girlfriend, never went to prom, and missed grad night all because of my insecurity. So, there I was, viewed by some as being secure and confident; while, inside, I was afraid that someone would find out that my pompous palace was built on extremely shaky ground.
Just Live
For those of you familiar with my blog, I quote my mother a lot. As a child, she seemed crazy; but, as an adult, I find her true-isms to be more appropriate and applicable to life. One thing that she always said to me when I was comparing my life to hers was two simple words: Just Live. By that, she meant that those things that seemed so important to me then would not as I got older. In high school, I wanted to be one of the “cool kids”. I wanted to be the guy every girl wanted to date, the student every teacher wanted to have, and the person that everyone liked. However, as I have “lived”, I realized that only two things were truly important. I realized that what was most important was how I felt about myself, and how I treated others. Popularity and fame can be short-lived and fleeting; however, learning to love yourself and treating others with dignity and respect lasts forever. It is those things that outlive and outlast being prom king or queen, being voted most attractive or most likely to succeed.
Conclusion
Ironically, I had my corrective experience this past weekend. Yes, the “cool kids” were still the cool kids. And, yes, the pretty girls were still the pretty girls. So, you may be asking, what was different? Short answer: Me. I loved me more. I celebrated my triumphs and accepted my failures. And, by doing that, I took control of how I re-engaged with my classmates. I had only one thing to prove. I wanted to prove that I cared about who they are today – not who they were yesterday. Each of our lives had taken so many twists and turns that we would need a road map to sort them all out. But, for two days in Jacksonville Beach, FL we remembered who we were and fell in love with who we are. As I stated earlier, I had a blast this past weekend! It was probably the most fun I had with my classmates. The reason why it was the most fun was because this time, I can say that all of who I am was totally there.
That’s just my three cents…
Sill-E
“Peep my ver-na-cular cuz I don’t know how to act…”
Sill-E Thoughts 
Andy
08/10/2010
I concur completely.
Insecurity is not only a shared experience in high school. It’s the predominant psychological state at high school reunions.
I found it interesting how many of the “cool kids” expressed anxiety over interacting with old friends … and old flames.
Bit like you described, at this point in my life, having a greater understanding of who I am, and how I could give a S#!t if anyone voted for me or recognized me, or whatever. Not all of the cool kids stayed cool and not all if the pretty girls stated pretty, but those who had good hearts and happy souls were on full display.
Thanks for sharing Sill-E.
And for the record, we all love you too.
Andy
08/10/2010
Ps.
I’m standing two people to your left. Next to my high school crush. :-p
Mitzi
08/10/2010
Nice El, very nice. 🙂
Brett
08/10/2010
Sill-E: as the guy who spent every waking moment with you through junior high this is quite profound to read. I often regret that we grew apart as high school went on. Undoubtedly much of that was me trying to be a “cool kid” (not really succeeding) and being all things to all people – but not being true to myself and closest friends.
For me, I realized this weekend, it was upon finding something to do in my life (purpose) that I so throughly love that I stopped worrying about everyone else (all the cool kids) and went inward – ie loved myself. My peronal realtionships with friends have all strenthened. You are now on that list. It is pretty crazy from that point on it all seemed to come together. I too should have a taken a Mayport Elementary teachers advice to heart much sooner. But we all knew this kid was only going to learn the hard way!
Much love brother!
P.S. the best part of the weekend was rapping with the Mayport gifted crew.
Brett
08/10/2010
Those typos are b/c I can’t type.
Stephanie M
08/10/2010
For someone who isn’t a writer by profession Ellis, your words are quite eloquent and your message is extremely identifiable. I certainly can identify with feeling insecure throughout high school. I’m not sure exactly how I was perceived by my peers. I only hope that I was thought of as a kind hearted person. I never desired to fit in with any one group, and in fact I didn’t, and though I was shy and insecure (as I expect even the “cool kids” were in school) I knew that my future was not going to be affected by whether or not I was “popular” in high school. I had my moments of being tormented by some of the older girls in school -haha – I imagine that isn’t unusual either. Seeing friends and acquaintances from my old school days was better than I had anticipated. Nobody was cool or not cool anymore. It wasn’t about someone showing up another person with the better job, better spouse, better body, etc. It was all about fun and laughter. I don’t think I asked one person what they did for a living and not one person asked me. And that was great! It was about living in the moment and enjoying the gifts of pure friendship.
sarah
08/10/2010
You do have a way with words Ellis, and I am thankful for the social media that allowed me to get a glimpse of what I missed. High school was a blur or chaos in my realm but chalked full of life defining moments and incredible shared memories. I think everyone pockets a bit of that shared insecurity as they are coming of age, and you certainly did a job of hiding it… I love that being removed by 20 years the glasses we wear have more to do with us and how we see differently now than how others see us or perceive us. Life goes on and we grow and change but there are parts of our lives that were merged together during that short tenure at FHS which is pretty darn cool. Seeing classmates with such contentment and abandon (wink) really just makes me smile. Thanks for your words and thoughts, I really wish I could have been there to hear your speech.
halexa
08/10/2010
What a brave post Sill-E. I was also the “alone in the crowd” paragraph, you can substitute the adjectives and make this nearly any teenager. Thank you for the reminder of the sting of insecurity and self-consciousness as I start a new school year. The nervous energy before school starts is palpable and still infectious, new clothes, new pens, new locker somehow it is so important. Teenagers make it so much harder than it ever needs to be. “Show up, tell the truth, do your best” these were the class rules left posted on the wall when I started teaching high school, I couldn’t say it any better. It is universal and my mantra, it makes the world so much easier.
I was so glad to see you and the Mayport group; but clouds and stars, I miss Missy Poppell.
McHale
08/10/2010
Ellis,
I showed up Thursday, anxious to see who was already in town. I saw a handful of people and felt like the whole gang was there. Coming into the weekend I realized that I didn’t care who was there and who wasn’t there. I knew that I wanted to see THEM, whoever THEY were. I mention that because this was a starkly different feeling from the 10 year reunion. I wasn’t able to make that one as I was planning for my wedding, and paying for it, and going to wedding parties, and living 9 hours away (the excuses go on and on). However, I remember thinking then that I wanted everyone to meet my wife-to-be so that they could all see that I MADE IT!
I needed validation from my class of 600-strong so that I could accept that I wasn’t just the poor kid who hid his tough-life from everybody who could have and would have cared about him.
Between 2000 and 2010, I have experienced more joy AND pain than the first 28 years combined. I have had joy in finding love, unconditionally giving love, allowing myself to be loved, witnessing the birth of my two children, and having a successful career. I have also survived cancer, lost two children through miscarriage, lost my career due to my own discretions, and suffered tremendous heartbreak through the failure of my marriage (remember the one that kept me away 10 years ago?).
Sooooo, everything that I THOUGHT was important had been stripped away.
I have been led to the desert, away from all distraction,and it was there that God restored me. In the “quiet” I heard Him, I believed in Him, I accepted His love for me, and I chose to love Him back.
I think my kids have benefitted, I have benefitted, and hopefully you and the class of 1990 benefitted, as you felt how much I truly care about EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU … and I didn’t think once about what someone might have thought of me. What an experience!
Brad
08/11/2010
Mike… It was great seeing you. I can relate to alot that you have said. I spent most of my high school days consumed by one person. We ended up getting married and having two beautiful boys together. We were married for ten years, but people change alot from 18 to 32. A person that used to be my best friend is the same person that I don’t even recognize today and can’t relate to on any level. It’s a painful transition to being a family to being alone and wondering what will be. Hang in there. Spend as much time with your kids as possible and lean on your friends and family. It’s a long rocky road but you will be ok. I’m still learning how do deal with my anger with the situation but I now have a beautiful fiancé and two beautiful boys that love me. Anyway I don’t know why I went to the reunion on Saturday. I think it was because my good friends Harry and Dave Shearer were going and I was curious of how everone looked now. I was quiet and shy in HS and didn’t really open up and let people in. Maybe I was just more consumed with my high school sweetheart. I don’t know. If I could do it all over again I would have been more interactive in HS, but then I guess I wouldn’t have my two beautiful boys. Any graeat to see you and the c/o ’90. Lots of great people. Good luck!
McHale
08/11/2010
Thanks for reaching out, Brad. I can tell you, on behalf of YOUR entire class, we are so glad you decided to come. Every one who was there was another block in our collective foundation. You have a lot to be thankful for. God Bless.
Heather (Barry) Antonio
08/10/2010
Ellis,
We didn’t have any classes together at Fletcher. I think we actually met for tthe first time when I was leaving the meet and greet Friday night. I was with Kathy Sawyer and her husband Brian Meyer (your walking partner). (Your story that night of how you guys became walking partners was HILARIOUS by the way and the highlight of our night!!)
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know how much I agree with your thoughts on high school. I’m a military brat and actually went to THREE different high schools and was at Fletcher for my Junior and Senior year, but had been in Neptune Beach for First – 7th grade (San Pablo elementary, Nept Bch Elementary, 6th grade center and Fletcher Middle school). My Mom is Carole Barry who was a teacher at Fletcher, Fletcher Middle and Mayport.
It was hard coming back to Fletcher when people I THOUGHT would still be my friends had moved onto different “cliques” and acted like they didn’t remember me. Luckily my “TRUE” friends and I picked up right where we had left off.
So I had mixed feelings about going to the reunion. I ended up just attending the free meet and greet and it was great seeing everyone. Sure there were some people that STILL didn’t remember me – oh well, totally THEIR LOSS!
I amazed my friend Kathy at how “BRAVE” I was going up to everybody and just introducing myself and asking who they were and I’m like Kathy what do I have to be afraid of?! I haven’t seen these people in 20 years and I probably won’t see them for another 20 and I could really care less what they think of me anyway!!
It was very liberating to go from feeling so ugly and insecure back in high school to feeling so confident and secure in myself today. I know I still have a little bit of insecurity – everyone does, but I’ve survived so many bad things in my life and grown from those experiences that I know that I can conquer almost anything and there’s nothing that can stop me, but my own fears and self doubt.
I wish that we had been in some classes together and that I had known you back in the day. I knew OF you, because you were popular or at least I perceived you to be part of the ‘IN’ crowd, but if I had known that you were going to miss out on your Senior prom, I would have SO invited you to come with my and my friends!
I had my heart broken right before prom, but I was determined not to miss it, so I got all of my single friends to go with me and we even took the professional pictures together, went out to dinner, got our own corsages and the whole deal! I even threw a HUGE party at my house after prom and invited everyone, BUT the guy who broke my heart (like he even noticed – LOL!). I am so glad that I did that, because I met my now husband at Senior prom, he was there by himself and I invited him to join our group, asked him later to dance and then later invited him to my party and we started going out a month later and have been together for 20 years (married for 11)!
So anyway, just wanted to say that the lesson that I have learned is to forget your fears and insecurities and STOP worrying about what other people think of you – just GO FOR IT and LIVE your life, and always try to live your dreams!!
Keith Stephenson
08/11/2010
Thank you for sharing your very honest and very personal perspective with us Ellis. And thank you for so eloquently capturing how 99.9% of all of us felt at some point during our high school experience (yes, even the so-called cool kids!).
Reading your story reminded me of just how important peer validation was during this period of my own life – but for very different reasons than what you have described.
You see, on the surface I appeared to “have it all” in high school. I was uber-confident, I was friends with the cool kids, I played sports, I made people laugh, and I dated who I considered at the time to be one of the kindest and prettiest girls at our school. [As an aside, it is worth mentioning that I am fairly certain most teachers did not want me in their class!]
But as the saying goes, perception does not always equal reality. The truth is that I thank god for the validation I received from friends in high school (whether it was real or imagined), since I was only one-half of a person due to the emotional scars created by a physically abusive and absolutely chaotic home life. While so many of my peers were busy trying to be popular, which you accurately describe as being short-lived and fleeting, I would have given all of it up for the love and support of a stable family who encouraged me to “Just Live” like your mother encouraged you to do. It was only through the validation of my high school family that I was able to “Just Survive”.
Fortunately, I was able to leverage this mixture of anger and determination to leave my home behind, put myself through college, build a successful career, and start a family of my own where we work hard to foster an environment of respect, love, trust, communication, and support.
I was so proud during the reunion to reflect upon my accomplishments since high school while enjoying the company and conversation of old friends. Given what you know now, I’m sure you can appreciate the sense of irony I felt after receiving the “classmate who changed the most” superlative as voted by my peers. While I have no doubt the superlative was awarded for more capricious purposes, after receiving the plaque I smiled, nodded my head, and whispered under my breath “they have no idea”!
Thank you for a memorable 20 yr reunion Class of 1990!
Zilla
08/12/2010
Fantastic post E
Mike D
08/12/2010
Ellis, It was really nice to read this and find that we ALL in some way were insecure. I must say that I really am saddened that I missed the reunion. I so wanted to go to but, at last min., backed out of it as i still am battling my demon’s from school. I loved Fletcher for all that it did for me and all the great friends that I met thru the years. But as I always felt that i was the “SPEICAL ED GUY w/ Hearing Aids”. I always have had a to hide how I really felt. I was never a “cool guy” and always wanted to just be friends w/everyone. At times I tried TOO HARD to just be excepted as a normal person in a realy cool school. I always felt that i was an outcast. Well I know I may not have been, it has haunted me thru the yrs, and I really wanted to put it to rest at the Reunion. I have heard so many great things about the reunion that I find I have only myself to blame for this. Thank you Ellis for having the courage to tell your story and to help others find their inner voice. I hope that in the future reunions, that I will have overcome this and can put the past to rest. I really love all of the Class of 1990 and I really hope to reconnect with everyone very soon.
joeydigital
08/12/2010
sounds alot like my high school story. good stuff brother