As a parent of two children, I have become accustomed to teaching life lessons. This is part of my role. I’m supposed to get them prepared to be responsible adults. These lessons can either be by direct conversation, or indirect through modeling appropriate behavior. Parenting is a challenge that I do not take lightly, and, despite the occasional misstep, I thought I was doing a decent job.
As a child, I made that promise to myself. You know, the promise to not be what you didn’t like about your own parents? Or, that promise that you were going to do this or that better so your kids will never have to feel unsupported by you? This is where my personal definitions and some unconscious modeling had a significant impact on how I saw myself as a parent, and how my kids saw me.
You see, I was raised to believe that “support” was primarily financial. My parents “gave” me a roof over my head. They “gave” me clothes and food. Hell, they even “gave” me my own room. It was my understanding that, because of this “generosity”, my parents didn’t have to worry about my emotional health. I was “given” more than many kids around the world had. And for that, I should be grateful. The support they “gave” me should be enough to make me happy and bought them the ability to say what they wanted to, for, or about me without having to think about the impact it might be having.
A Moment of Sobering Clarity
I had two recent unpleasant encounters with my children that caused me to reflect and to end the “I’m a great dad” narrative I believed about myself. The first was with my son. One day as we were riding in my car I asked, “Do I criticize you too much?” He thought for a moment, mustered up the courage and said, “Yeah, a little.” His answer was a gut punch. No, it was a soul punch, but one I definitely needed. The son that I spend most of my free time and money on his activities. The son that I prayed for because I wanted to break the cycle of poor fathering, just told me that all the “stuff” I was providing him didn’t buy me a good relationship with him, or a passing grade as a father. He needed more and less from me.
The second was even more dramatic. My daughter and I had a fight. This isn’t new. Parents and their adolescent children fight all the time, so this wasn’t a shock. But it was the content of the fight that made the impact. Here’s the scenario: She was home visiting from college and, as many college students do, she was laying on the couch with the TV on while scrolling through social media. I came in and commented on what she was (or wasn’t) doing. This set her off and the fight was on and in full force. You see, it wasn’t the comment in the moment that made her upset. It was the thousands of comments just like that one that was like sandpaper on her self-esteem. This time she’d had enough. I’m glad she did.
Connecting the Dots
A few months ago, I started seeing a counselor. I went because my life, on the surface, was great but inside I was uneasy, insecure, and unhappy. As we started to unpack my past, I realized that my parents were hypercritical of everything, including my sisters and me. The message to a developing child when they are under constant criticism is, “You’re not good enough.” This messaging becomes their personal narrative and how they see themselves. It impacts their confidence in multiple ways. I had a split personality. I was outgoing and gregarious because I wanted – no, I needed for people to like me. But once someone got too close, I would push them away because I didn’t want them to hurt me. For years, I lived out this pull-push relationship seesaw and it got me into more problems than I care to count.
The good news is the epiphany I had with my children and counselor helped me recognize my triggers. It helped me realize why I was always so anxious and agitated when I had to go see my family. It helped me realize why my vulnerability had limits, and why I would disappear on people from time-to-time. Unfortunately, it also helped me realize what I was unknowingly creating in my children. I was giving them a different version of what bothered me so much as a child. Sure, I’m there physically. My father wasn’t. But, if my presence is making them uneasy, anxious, and sometimes angry, what is the purpose? If my goal as a parent is to raise happy and healthy children, I have ensure that the word “emotionally” precedes “healthy”.
Conclusion
I stepped away from blogging a few years ago because I ran out of material. There’s only so much superficial musings one man can muster. I’m coming back now because I believe this is part of my healing process. It can be part of yours as well. You see, transparency has a way of transforming people. Many of us have a silent struggle, and my post may help someone find the strength to heal. The willingness to share my testimony can help someone shed the shackles of their past and step into a new, much brighter future. My hope is that one of you who reads this has an epiphany similar to mine. Selfishly though, I just want a better relationship with my wife and kids. We can see how it goes from there.
#My3Cents
Sillethoughts
“Peep my ver-na-cular cuz I don’t know how to act…”
Sill-E Thoughts 
Reginal D Harris
03/17/2022
Greeting Ellis Dean. You may not remember me but we attended FAMU together (c/o 1997). If memory serves me correctly, we were also in SGA together (1991-1995). Before opening my email this early morning and seeing your post, I’d wondered what happened to you. I actually would read and share your writings. If I’m being honest, this is hands down the best $#!+ you ever wrote. It is #thought-provoking #transparent #real #intellectual #reflective. Wow! Thank you for opening up your heart and sharing this amazing post. It’s so humbling to read and to learn that other people are experiencing some of the same $#!+ as me. Congratulations on your son and daughter! Congratulations on being an amazing DAD! Congratulations on getting the mental health and guidance you needed to transcend to the next level of success! I hope you stay in touch. I’d love to catch up virtually or by phone one day. -Dr. Reg, Esq.
sillethoughts
03/17/2022
Reginal, I do remember you from “back in the day”. Thank you for your kind words and for reading and sharing my posts. Honestly, this has been a journey that has come full circle. There is a time and season for everything. For me, returning to blogging is what is called for in this season in my life. I hope what I have learned over the years I stopped will enhance the depth of my posts. Based on your and other responses, I’m off to a good start.
Let’s definitely catch up one day. I’d love to hear more about your journey since leaving FAMU.
T
03/17/2022
Thank you for sharing and being vulnerable here. That’s takes alot. Also what a life shattering moment. I’ve had a similar moment with my kids. They’re 16, 13, 13, and 11. Still young but almost grown. I’ve made some conscience efforts to be a more present mom to them one that’s interested in their interests and values their individual personalities. No longer the opposite, trying to bend their interest to suit mine or control the person they’re becoming to my idea of who they should be. Respectng them, their personhood, and realizing (equally so) that they are ALSO Image bearers of God, this gave me a humbling common ground to start from.
I can relate to your post. It’s an encouragement and reminder all in one. Thank you and God bless you on this journey.
sillethoughts
03/17/2022
Thank you so much for this feedback! Keep me posted on your journey. Try reading my post, “God the Father” or “Breaking Generational Curses”. They should help you on your journey.
Nichole Yahtal
03/17/2022
I loved loved loved this article. You were able to voice my feelings and thoughts with which clarity. I’m actually actively looking for a therapist to help me work through my relationship and communication issues. Thank you for coming back.
sillethoughts
03/17/2022
Thank you so much for reading and for your support. I’m still working through being vulnerable and this post left me wide open. I’m enjoying writing again and hope you find the chance to read my next post.
azarc3
03/17/2022
Good stuff.